I miss my gal

I sure miss my Baby. I was changing her today and her eyes were open a bit. I tried everything I could to look for something to give me hope. I wasn't successful. I am really struggling with myself for not doing a feeding tube. But I keep coming back to the promises I made Patsy after she was diagnosed and it makes me feel better about the decision.

So, I keep holding her hand and doing what is need to keep her comfortable. I have tried to go outside and do some things but I can't. I have walked in the kitchen several time to cook something but I can't. I always made it a practice to feed Patsy before I would eat. Habits are hard to break.

You all have helped us with your support and prayers. i really am going to miss her.

here is a pic she still looks beautiful to me!!!!!!

update time

Good news, bad news update!!!!

Patsy is resting really well and that makes me happy!!! Hospice is back on board and Denise is her nurse again and that makes me happy!!!!! Everything that I might need for patsy in these last few days, I will have. That makes me happy!!!

Kari worked for Care at home and is not part of the hospice and she doesn't get to come spend time with Patsy and that makes me sad!!!!! Who is going to wash my dishes!!!!!

But the biggest piece of bad news that I have received today is when the nurse today me that I should be prepared for the fact that Patsy could hang on for up to two weeks like this. Wow, I will be a basket case. They also told me some of the things that will be happening to her and that makes me sad!!!!!

Her vitals are doing okay but her mind is blown a circuit as the nurse calls it. So I prepare for what is to be and work to keep her comfortable. I am not sure how many more tears I can cry without eating. I seem to have lost my appetite. Thanks for riding along, RAZ

Probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I would do anything to be able to keep my sweetie here with me and to sit here by her and watch her is really rough. The situation is made even harder knowing that I am not feeding her and that our decision to not put a feeding tube in her will most certainly cause her to leave us.

I sure hope you all understand that I am not just taking the easy way out. If I thought for 1 minute that Patsy would want to live this way, I would do it right now. I have spent the last year taking care of Patsy and I wished I could do it the rest of my life. Those that have come by have all agreed with our decision and those that could come by and don't, I really don't care what you think.

So, she is resting very comfortably. For the first time in a year, she is very relaxed and I am sure there is no pain. Her eyes are closed and she has been like that since 4:00 yesterday. Prior to that her eyes were fixed and non-responsive. Now they are closed and her eyes are rolling back and forth. At midnight last night, I gave her a Valium suppository and there was several times I had to really check to see if she was still here.

I have had a lot of things going through my head since I have not been able to sleep much. Things like how am I going to pay my bills on the first because we will loose the benefits that we have been getting. What am I going to do for work now! I am going to have to give my van back to Fast track because I don't have a way to pay for it. I really messed up when I sold my little escort so that I could haul Patsy around and now I have a payment.CRAP!!!!

But for now, All that matters is that Patsy knows that I am here as I promised I would be. I wished that there was something else that I could do for her but I am happy that she will be going home soon. RAZ

I think it is time

It looks like the fight is almost over. Patsy had a terrible stroke last night and is not doing very well.

I have contacted her old hospice nurse and the company that she was with. Denise came over immediately and we have started her on some pain meds and relaxers. She is unable to eat and we have decided not to put in a feeding tube. Her quality of life would not be worth trying to save her. Patsy is resting well and I am sure there is no pain now.

While I know there is always room for a miracle, I think she has used up all her tickets. I called Carol today and she ran Patsy and when she called me back, she said things didn't good.

I have called the funeral home and have them on stand by if and when she decides to go home.

Just to let everyone know before hand, if Patsy passes, we are going to have her cremated in Nampa and then we are going to pick a date and have a good old fashion wake. Patsy always wished that people would celebrate her life and not her death. She wanted for her friends and family to be happy and have fun while celebrating her passing. Keep reading the Blog and I will let everyone know when and where that will be.

This is a sad day for me and I really don't know how I will make it with out Patsy in my life. The Lord blessed me with a very special lady and I will miss her.

At 12:30 this morning, Patsy appears to have suffered a stoke. The left side of her body was numb and has only come back a little. I am up with her but she is not back yet.

here is an update

Well I really should not do a post tonight because I have been feeling a little down today. It all started yesterday when I found out that Kari won't be able to come and help with patsy until August. I was on a roll getting some things done on the RV and now it will slow me down a bit.

And then for some reason, I really got upset with the fact that I couldn't go on a date and have a hug from my sweetie. Or even a simple I love you would have been nice. I really miss that side of our relationship some times.

But, the day got better. The physical therapist came by and we got Patsy up and had her trying to support herself on her feet. She did the best she has done so far. We was able to re-certify her for more and that made me very happy. Also, when Patsy is in her rocking chair and her feet are on the floor, I am behind her rocking her. If I do that for a minute or so, she will continue to do it on her own when I stop. That is good news to know that her brain is firing a bit and making her legs work. You would not believe the muscle tone that she still has.

Probably the best news of the week is that we took Patsy to the nursing home on Monday for a bath and a weigh. Patsy has gained a whole 5 more pounds.HOLLY TACOBELLARAMA!!!!!!!! That doesn't seem like much but it goes to the hard work that Kari and I have been doing to give her every chance we can. She is looking better and the only problem is that I can feel every extra pound when I have to lift her. My goal is to get her to 120 and then get her to maintain that weight for now. 7 pounds to go. I think the weight is helping with her muscle mass.

Well, I just gave Patsy a yogurt and now it time to get her ready for bed. I hope tomorrow is a better day, I have a tech meeting in Boise tomorrow night and I really need and want to go. I have 16.00 in the bank but the first is only a week or so away so I think I am going to go.

Thanks for your support and prayers for Patsy. The lord has a plan and I am sure he will tell me someday what that plan is but until then, lets continue the journey together, RAZ