I thought I might take a minute and do a little update. So here it goes. Life is sure different with out that special some one to talk to and to be with. After 40 years, I am having to do some real adjusting. I think I am doing pretty good thanks to the continued support from my family and friends. I am back to work for a while and that really helps and I have a gaurdian angle that has help me again with a little financial help and now I know I will be able to pay the bills for another month and then I should have enough to make it through the rest of the year. I know he will be rewarded for his extended love and I hope to be able to some how repay him someday.

I don't know what I will do when the harvest season is over but right now I just want to take it a day at a time.

Yes, I have been talking to a few gals and most of them have come and gone as we just didn't hit it off together. There is one that I have gotten to know a bit and just having people to talk to helps to keep my mind from going crazy.

So life goes on and I guess I will to. It is never easy but gets better. I have some of the cd's of Patsy organ recital that we made and if you want one and have not received one please let me know and we will get one out to you. Bob and Margo if you read this I will get yours in the mail.

But I have lost your address so please get back to me.

Ok That is enough. Thanks again for all you have done, RAZ

The end to the journey!!!

Well fellow travelers, I think we have arrived at our destination. Our dear Patsy has moved on and I suppose we should do the same. Patsy and I often joke that she was Pat Rasmussen and I was Pats husband. That is a roll I was happy to do. While I wasn't the center of attraction as she was, I was the one that got to be there by her side and I will miss that.

I feel very good that with your help, we did everything that we could to take care of her these last few years. I believe she knew how much we all loved her. I hope someday to be able to let everyone of you know how much your support has meant to us.

As I look back over the last few years, I am so glad that I had the opportunity to take of Patsy. A promise to her that I would not have been able to keep without the financial and other support that I received from family and friends along the way. I learned an awful lot about life and death during this journey and I think I learned a little bit more about love.

My life has sure changed this last month. I went from 24/7 taking care of Patsy to being here by myself. Believe me when I say that I would much rather be taking care of her as tough as it was then to be here without her. But some one has other plans I guess.

So, we all got together for her memorial on Saturday and I think it was a great time. Patsy would have enjoyed being there and probably did. Thanks to the help from my family for helping with Patsys funeral cost, and the money they spent making her CD, we are starting the future with a clean slate. Another, thing that Patsy said she didn't want to do was to put us in debt with her passing. I hope that everyone is at a good place with the help that you have given us.

I had enough money to buy the food and the paper plates and utensils. Carey say she is okay with the money she has for the CD's and the only thing I think I need to do is square up with Connie for the work they did on the CD's.

I also had enough to pay all my sept bills before the money ran out and I hope to start work this week.

So I think this is a good place to park the rig. Patsy is gone and a knew life starts for her and for me. Patsy will be missed by every one but know one more then me. Her talents brought smiles to thousands of people but know one more then me. For those that knew her they loved her and for those that didn't know her, you missed being with a special gal.

A final thought before I close. My kids and family were all a big help to me. But I want eveyone to know that I could not have made it through with out the love and help from my three daughters. They were with me when Patsy passed away and when ever I needed something along the journey. Christy would come in the middle of the night if i needed help with Patsy and Carey has to listen to me on skype because I don't have anyone to talk to sometimes. And my baby Katy was holding Moms hand when she left us even tough she live thousands of mile away.

You have made me and Patsy very happy and we will never forget what you have done. I love you very much.

So, Patsy, you will be missed. You will never be forgotten. I miss you so much. But it is time to close your blog and let people move on.

GOODBYE MY LOVE RAZ

Almost Here!

This Sat 1:00pm Pot luck Casual dress Weiser city park. Spread the word.

Sisters

Just a few more days and the celebration for Patsy

Hello everyone it is time for another update. First of all, we had a camping trip with the kids this last weekend and I think we had a great time. Good food, good weather, and good stories. Patsy would have really enjoyed it. I miss her so much and times like that I miss her even more.

We did create a new story for future campfires. Marty and chad wired a light into Chad and Careys camper while they were off on a 4 wheeler ride. Then they wired it to a remote control device that they could control at the campfire. Shortly after they went to bed, Marty started turning their light on and off. I have not laugh like that for a long time. It will be a good story for years to come.

Ok, so things are coming together for Patsys memorial on Sat. The cd is being made and Carey is making a photo to be put in the case. I have ordered the chicken and will be picking up paper plates and utensils and bottled water. I have set the time from 1 to 5 but I think if people come closer to 1 the food will be better and if the crowed leaves earlier, we can get to our homes a little sooner.

I don't all the answers but I think Patsy will be there with us and I know she will enjoy seeing everyone. We will have plenty of cds available and if you can not come, please let us know if you want one and we can send one to you.

For those that are not familiar with Weiser, get off the freeway at exit three and head north on hwy 95 to weiser. In weiser, turn left at the maverick and go about 4 blocks to the LDS church. Turn right and go one block and you will be at the park. We will be at the pavilion.

Thanks again for all the support as our journey starts to come to an end. I could not have done it with out you. RAZ

A day at a time!!!!

People always ask how I am doing!!!! That is a tough question. I think that because it was such a long battle with Patsy that I am doing better then if she had just died like I friend on Ride Idaho. I can really feel for Connie and her family.

That being said, I have my good days and my bad days. I keep thinking it must be time for her lunch or when was the last time I changed her and does she need to be turned. I took down the bed that was so much a part of our lives the last year.

I have tried to give the kids all of her things and have kept only a few special things and pictures. In a small RV it is hard to put things behind you when it is all around you.

I find that staying busy is the best medicine for moving on. Ride Idaho was great fun and good medicine. With the exception of one day where I got worked up and started crying and could not stop, we stayed busy enough that I had little time to think much about Patsy.

Selfishly, I would do anything to be able to give her a bath or comb her hair or feed her lunch. But I know that she would not want to be like that and that makes me happy for her. She used to get so mad that she couldn't make it to go potty without waking me and she so wanted to do things without my help. I can just imagine what she was thinking these last 2 years.

So, yesterday I ordered chicken for the celebration that we are having for Patsy on Sept 3rd. I will have chicken and water and paper plates and utensils. If you could bring a potatoe salad, or a desert or something like that, we all should have a great lunch. I am waiting to hear about the CD that is being made. I will have one for all that want one and if we run out, I will take orders and send them out.

I am really looking forward to seeing all of you. You all have been such a big support to me and the family. NO SUITS OR DRESSES A time for celebration!!!!! Patsy will be there with us and this is what she wanted. RAZ

I'm back

Thanks for being patient with me. I have been doing a bunch of things to stay busy. For those that know me, it is not fun to be alone. I am the type of guy that enjoys a relationship and being by my self has been a little tuff but I am trying to move on.

I went and did Ride Idaho with the ham radio guys and we had a pretty good time. Our day started at 5:30 each day and went until we went to bed at about 9:00 each night. I put about 1700 miles on the rig through some of the greatest scenery in the world. It was good to stay busy and of course I had Chad and Carey and Cooper with us on the ride to keep me out of trouble. It was a good time. We did have a few problems including and accident on the first day that had Carey driving to Sun Valley to get a lady sowed up. The third day had me taking one to Arco to get another lady a few stitches. but the worst happened on sat. The last day of the ride. Connie Shell is a volunteer and has been on the ride with us for years and her husband and her daughter do the ride. He died in his sleep friday night and it was a sad day. Carey and I spent the morning holding them and helping them while we waited for the coroner and funeral director to get there. Then I loaded them up in her car and drove them back to meridian. Carey drove my van. Why me??? I was having problems dealing with my own loss but I had to step in and help them and was glad to do it.

So, we got Patsys tape to the audio guy and Connie listened to it before she took it and said the audio sounded pretty good. I think a lot of people are going to want one. I am looking forward to seeing you all on Sept 3rd. We are having chicken prepared for everyone and will have water and drinks as well. If you want to bring something to go with that, Great!!! Remember. this will be a time to celebrate the life of a great lady so lats of smiles please.

I am helping Marty build his house. I built the pony wall today and will start laying the floor joist tomorrow and get the deck on. I am going to try to hold on until the harvest starts and then get back to work.

I want to thank you all for all the kind words and the help that you have given. You are all special to me and I mean that. That is all for now, RAZ

If people have been trying to get a hold of me here is some info

w7raz24@gmail.com 1-208-550-7710

Gotta give you all an update and then off to bed. Tomorrow is our anniversary and Patsy and I have been together 40 years plus the years I knew her before we got married. We met in the 9th grade speech class. Seems like a life time ago. I think I am going to be really lonely tomorrow without her.

My sis called the other day and asked me to go with them to lagoon and drive the RV they had rented. I decided it would be good to get away from the bus that I have been in for a long time taking care of my sweetie. I enjoyed the trip but I did have a struggle. Walking around Lagoon by myself was a little bit tough. I had a back ache and so I took what I thought was two Excedrin. OOOPPPPSSSS !!!!! I put some of Patsys norcos in the excedrin bottle. That help my back pain and guess what, I decided there wasn't one darn ride in the park that I was to old to ride. That led to more excedrin later. One thing that I noticed is that is was easier for me while on the Norco. I can see why people take drugs to ease there pains but not for me. I need to face this head on and I know that Patsy will kick my rear if I do it any other way.

So we got back on wed night and I took the rv back to Nampa for sis. Carey and i went to the funeral home and made arrangements to pay the bill and picked up moms ashes. That went pretty well and I enjoyed visiting with them about the decisions we made. Later in the day I got a phone call from them and they said that the bill had been paid. WHAT!!!!! My sis in Seattle paid the cost and of course that made me cry. My three sisters have really help me a lot. I haven't been the best brother and they are really showing me up.

So Tomorrow i leave to go do the ride idaho event that Patsy and I have do since the beginning. It was a way to celebrate our anniversary and do a vacation. I believe she would want me to go and do the event. I will miss her.

A quick story!!!

It has been a emotional day for me and I just can't get my thoughts together. I have been asked to keep the blog going so I am going to just write a couple of thoughts for tonight and I promise to do more update tomorrow about the trip to lagoon with my sis to my sis in seattle paying for Patsy cremation cost. No wonder my emotions are all screwed up.

I told everyone the good and the bad so here is an experience to share that helps me a bit.

I watched my dear wife from the minute she had the stroke until she passed. The nurse said that the next 48 hours would be the answer. I already new the answer but as usual, I held out hope. Over the next week, we watched as she lay there and we knew it was her time to go. But for those of you who have never gone through this, this is for you.

patsy passed away and Katy was holding her hand and watching her while I sat in the chair and tried to get a few minutes of sleep. Carey was in the bedroom doing the same because we had been up with her all night. Patsy took her last breath and she was gone. We called the funeral home and it was an hour or so before they got there. When they got here, we brought in a sheet and wrapped her body all but her face. In that hour after Patsy had left her body, a change happened to her that was amazing to see. Her body started changing and by the time we were done, we hardly recognized her. And what was left was not the Patsy we all loved but a shell that no longer had a spirit. I hope I have painted the picture correctly.

I am so proud of my daughters. They asked us if we wanted them to carry Patsy out of the rv because they could not get the bed it to her. We said that we wanted to do it.

My three daughters and I picked her up and carried her out and layed her on the bed and I gave her a kiss goodbye.

My girls showed great strength and love and they are very special. Patsy will hug them again someday.

Okay that is all for tonight but please check in tomorrow, The journey continues. RAZ

On the road

Dad asked me to do a little post. He decided to take Aunt Verlyn up on her offer. If you remember from the previous post she needed help to drive a huge motor home down to Ogden. He will be back tomorrow evening we're all hoping the fresh air will do him some good.
Carey

Should I or shouldn't I, that is the question!!!!!!!

Ok, so my sis called me up tonight and asked if I want to drive the RV to lagoon. Say what????

I guess their family is going to lagoon for a couple of days and they are taking two rigs. A trailer and an rv if I understand it correctly. Lowell is going to drive something pulling the trailer and sis was going to drive the rv but she doesn't want to. She asked me if I wanted to go and drive the rv.

I have been trying to deal with patsy leaving me and sitting here alone in the rv has been hard so I thought it sounded like a good idea. I'm not sure how it looks to be going to lagoon just days after the love of my life has left this world.

So, the question I asked myself to make me feel better about the decision is " What would Patsy want me to do". She told me once that I was to be happy and I think she would say to go. We are leaving tomorrow and I will be home on thurs morning. I hope you all understand why I am going and not that I am glad to be free of her so that I can go have fun. people say who cares what they think but I do. Anyway, I may be off here for a day or two but I will give you an update on thur if not before. RAZ

bad day

Really having a bad day. No appetite, no desire to do anything but cry, mad at some certain people, and sad I can't hold Patsys hand. We are going to the movies tonight before Katy goes home tomorrow and I don't even want to do that now but I am going to. I hope the days get better, this isn't much fun.

Are you still with me????

I had some phone calls today from some great friends. It brightened my day a bit. My daughter Katy and I decided we needed to get away from the RV for a bit so we left for the afternoon. We went to Emmett first and saw some friends and relatives that she wanted to see before she goes home. We stopped by and saw Carol and thanked her for the care she helped with for patsy. Then it was off to Boise and we stopped at my dads for a bit. Then on to Nampa and a short visit to Chad and Careys to pick some items up and then home. It was really nice to get away for awhile. Tomorrow night I think we are going to go see a movie together and then Sunday she goes home.

I am not looking forward to being alone.

I have started thinking about things I need to get done so that I can try to stay busy but I know that it is going to get a bunch harder when she leaves.

So, Sept 3rd in Weiser at the park across from the church by the court house. 1:00 until 5:00 or until we get done. I have been contacted by several people and I believe it is going to be a great time. Levi's, or shorts or what ever is comfortable is great.

I want to keep this blog open until after the group gets together so check it and keep tabs of me and I will keep you updated. After we get together at the park, I plan on closing the blog. It was designed for people to follow Patsy and that will be not needed any longer.

However, There is still a journey of mine to deal with. I don't know what is in store for me but I am going to start updating on my blog.

Hey, I know that i am not the special person that patsy was but if you are interested in following a bit longer, meet me at my blog as soon as the get together in the park is over. There is a link on this blog site to mine and I will start an update there.

One final note. We are looking for some one that has the equipment to help us put the cassette on the computer so that we can burn some cds or maybe someone that can do the whole thing. Walmart has a cassette recorder for about $100.00 and If no one has a better, we will by that.

ok, we are going to try to sleep. See you tomorrow, RAZ

can I do one more post or two

Maybe you will allow me just a few more post before we park the rigs. First of all, I want to thank all of you for your support and prayers. I really needed them. You are all very special to me and there are a few of you that have really helped to mold my life.

I have learned so much this last year and I want to thank Patsy for the opportunity to serve her and to practice what true love is all about. If I had it to do over again, I would not change a single day. I believe she now knows how much I really love her and I can't wait to be with her again someday. I pray that she will take care of me and lead me to do the right things.

I have come under criticism the last few days for the decisions Patsy and I made as to how to handle her death. This whole ordeal was about doing what patsy wanted.

She did not want to be in a nursing home, I kept that promise.

She did not want to be on a feeding tube or a machine, I kept that promise.

She did not want to see her family go into debt paying for funeral expenses, a casket, a plot, flowers, etc. I will keep that promise.

She wanted to have all of us celebrate her life and remember her for who she really was and not have a funeral where everyone was sad and people were giving talks about her when they really didn't know her, I will keep that promise. Remember, as an organist, Patsy played for many a funeral and I think she knew why and what she wanted.

So, on Sept 3rd, we will get together and celebrate a very special gal and as of right now, you are all invited. There are some conditions____

1. You can not where a suit or dress.

2. You have to have the sadness behind you and be ready to smile and have fun

3.You will need to bring an appetite and a pot luck dish

4. most of all, you will have to agree with the decision that Patsy made to have us celebrate her life and not her death. If you have bad feelings about the decision that we have made to have her cremated and not have a standard funeral, then don't come and let the rest of us have a good time.

One thing we are going to do for you for coming. Patsy gave a organ recital in Caldwell and I have found the cassette tape of that. We are going to buy the equipment to transfer that music onto a CD and make it available to all that come and want one so an RSVP woulld be nice. There may be a small fee for that disk (2.00 or so) That was a very special night for her and also for all that came to hear her. I believe it will be special. This gathering will be one of great joy and fun memories.

Now for me. after almost 2 years of constant care, I have a big hole that is going to be tough to fill. Not to mention the love that I am going to miss. i hope and pray that I can get through this and I know with your help and that of my kids, I will find away to go forward.

One final note...My three girls were able and chose to be with Patsy till she took her last breath. I watched as they gathered the strength to watch her as Patsys poor body laying there dying. They knew where they needed to be and I gained more strength because of there love and loyalty.

They have been a big help to me and I will never forget them. I hope and pray that together we can get past this and I am sure that we will.

That is all for now. Maybe a few more post as I close this journey. I hope you don't find me to boring. Thanks for riding along, RAZ

The Ride Is Over

Mom has gone home. We are all happy that she don't have to suffer anymore.

K.T.

It is almost midnight

I guess I had better do an update. First about the kids. Our three girls are all here and that makes me very happy. They all went to lunch today and then they went to the storage shed to go through some of Patsys things. I wanted to give some things for katy to take home with her while she is here. Then they came back and took a break.

This evening, we went back to the storage and had about 5 boxes of pictures to go through. We gathered up the boxes and brought them to the rv. We moved in some chairs and the fun began. Before we were done, Thereasa, Scott and Denise, Chad and Jenni, Christy, Katy, Carey and the baby Cooper and yours truly sat around and had a good time with Patsy in the bed right in the middle of it all. We found some cool pics.

Mike and Cheri brought over a bucket of chicken and we made short work of that. They have done alot for me and if I needed something, I think I could count on them,

So, here is the status on Patsy. She looks really bad, She is getting so skinny and gaunt looking. One of the things you start looking for when some one is in Patsys condition is a symptom called modeling. That is a condition where the lack of blood and oxygen causes blotches that start on the legs and feet. Usually that is one of the last signs just before one passes. Patsy now has that showing up. Also her breathing is not good and her poor heart is racing. I believe that her time is very short. She hasn't had any food or water since last tuesday. It is almost midnight and the three girls are here with me. I believe carey and Katy will spend the night here and Christy is not far away if she leaves to go home.

As much as I am going to miss her. it is time for her to go home. I think I am glad my girls are here. I'll let you all know when the journey endsm RAZ

Well Pop's is tired and Carey wasn't out today so she doesn't really know how Mom is doing. So They said I had to update you tonight. Mom seems pretty much the same as yesterday. She is so skinny you can see every bone in her body. And she seems to be getting thinner by the minute. Her breathing is getting slower and every now and then she will stop breathing for like 20 seconds then start again. It's scarey I really have to remind myself that this is what we are waiting for. Not that we want her to die but it is almost unbearable to see her this way and we want her to go home and be able to get out of a bed. Dad is doing ok, I got him to eat breakfast lunch and dinner and he even took a nap. But even with all that he still looks awful. I wish there was more I could do for him. I am happy to be here talking with Dad and holding Mom's hand.

Dad will be back on here tomorrow.

Katy

I think the angels need a new GPS. Katy is here now and all the family has been here to say their goodbyes. She is very comfortable and seems to be resting. Her skin color is yellowish and her eyes are still none responsive. Patsy has gone without food or liquids for a week now. The last food she had was last tuesday evening. I am a little surprised that she is still hanging on. We worked so hard to get weight back on her and now it is all gone and then some. I can't hardly stand seeing her like this. All I can update you on right now is that I believe the time is soon. Just think, the Journey is almost over and a little rest will be nice. RAZ

Still here but not doing well

Not been a good day. I gave Patsy a Valium this morning and she did pretty good until this afternoon. Scott and Denise came by and so did Verlynn and Lowell. I had to give her some more then and she just hasn't settled down since then. Christy came by to spend some time and she gave me a break and worked on Patsy. When she changed her, there was a terrible amount of discharge and the smell was not good. We cleaned her up,gave her another Valium suppository and dressed her again and hoped she would settle down again. She also used some mouth wash and a little brush to freshen her breath.

Still having some problems, we checked her temp again and she was getting warm again. We gave her the Tylenol and I think she is doing better. Now the big issue is her breathing has become more difficult. I have not had to give her to much morphine accept the patch she is wearing that is good for three days at a time. It is looking like a long night ahead. Each day gets tougher for her and for me. I am going to stay here with her and love her every minute.

I tell these stories to let people know what it is really like to experience this part of life. I don't sugar coat it and some may not want to read the bad with the good.

Patsy is going home and it is going to be really hard for me. I try to stay pretty strong at least when people are here. One things that helps a bit I think is that Patsy has been up and down for a year and a half and we all have know that this day may come as we did what we could to prevent it. I still tell her how much I love her and how much i am going to miss her. I don't know if she hears me but I tell her anyway.

Don't miss an opportunity to love your spouse. We had a great relationship and I still wished I had let her know more often how much I love her.

Most of all, thanks for riding along on her journey. RAZ

yum Yum

Cierra made me some cookies the other day and they were delicious, Verlynn brought me some but they don't compare to the peanut butter ones she makes.

update

My sweeties body has become very lifeless. I decided to give her a sponge bath and changed her clothes. I cleaned her finger nails. It was the first time in a long time that she was this relaxed. I guess that makes me happy in between the tears. She has lost all the weight we worked so hard to get back on her. It makes me very sad!!

My sis and her husband came by for awhile. They must not want me to get skinny because they brought some food. I'll have to admit, it was nice. I have not felt like cooking anything or eating anything. But when the show up with a bucket of chicken, well lets just say I was hungrier then I thought. All three of my sises have been a big help. Thereasa has also been trying to keep me from not eating.

I am not sure what to do with the rest of my life but I know they will be there for me.

It is really hard to watch!!!!!!

We knew that is was only a matter of time before Patsy would have a fever because of the dehydration. Well, it is here. Patsy has a temp of 101. I have given here a Tylenol suppository to help bring it down and i have a cold washrag on her head to help. If she becomes to uncomfortable, I will have to increase the meds. I wished there was more I could do. The nurse said that the Angels were gathering and I pray they will hurry up. That is pretty selfish isn't it. Okay, I will try to be patience a bit longer. A day or two more and Patsy will be home. I hope she can watch over us. I know I am going to need it. RAZ

Today was really tough on me. Patsy is resting pretty good but I am not and being tired is not good when you are trying to hold on to your emotions. Carey came over for a bit and that was nice. Several people came by today and I enjoyed seeing them. The problem is we would get to talking about some of the things Patsy has done and then I would cry and I hate that. maybe some sleep tonight and a better day tomorrow. RAZ

I miss my gal

I sure miss my Baby. I was changing her today and her eyes were open a bit. I tried everything I could to look for something to give me hope. I wasn't successful. I am really struggling with myself for not doing a feeding tube. But I keep coming back to the promises I made Patsy after she was diagnosed and it makes me feel better about the decision.

So, I keep holding her hand and doing what is need to keep her comfortable. I have tried to go outside and do some things but I can't. I have walked in the kitchen several time to cook something but I can't. I always made it a practice to feed Patsy before I would eat. Habits are hard to break.

You all have helped us with your support and prayers. i really am going to miss her.

here is a pic she still looks beautiful to me!!!!!!

update time

Good news, bad news update!!!!

Patsy is resting really well and that makes me happy!!! Hospice is back on board and Denise is her nurse again and that makes me happy!!!!! Everything that I might need for patsy in these last few days, I will have. That makes me happy!!!

Kari worked for Care at home and is not part of the hospice and she doesn't get to come spend time with Patsy and that makes me sad!!!!! Who is going to wash my dishes!!!!!

But the biggest piece of bad news that I have received today is when the nurse today me that I should be prepared for the fact that Patsy could hang on for up to two weeks like this. Wow, I will be a basket case. They also told me some of the things that will be happening to her and that makes me sad!!!!!

Her vitals are doing okay but her mind is blown a circuit as the nurse calls it. So I prepare for what is to be and work to keep her comfortable. I am not sure how many more tears I can cry without eating. I seem to have lost my appetite. Thanks for riding along, RAZ

Probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I would do anything to be able to keep my sweetie here with me and to sit here by her and watch her is really rough. The situation is made even harder knowing that I am not feeding her and that our decision to not put a feeding tube in her will most certainly cause her to leave us.

I sure hope you all understand that I am not just taking the easy way out. If I thought for 1 minute that Patsy would want to live this way, I would do it right now. I have spent the last year taking care of Patsy and I wished I could do it the rest of my life. Those that have come by have all agreed with our decision and those that could come by and don't, I really don't care what you think.

So, she is resting very comfortably. For the first time in a year, she is very relaxed and I am sure there is no pain. Her eyes are closed and she has been like that since 4:00 yesterday. Prior to that her eyes were fixed and non-responsive. Now they are closed and her eyes are rolling back and forth. At midnight last night, I gave her a Valium suppository and there was several times I had to really check to see if she was still here.

I have had a lot of things going through my head since I have not been able to sleep much. Things like how am I going to pay my bills on the first because we will loose the benefits that we have been getting. What am I going to do for work now! I am going to have to give my van back to Fast track because I don't have a way to pay for it. I really messed up when I sold my little escort so that I could haul Patsy around and now I have a payment.CRAP!!!!

But for now, All that matters is that Patsy knows that I am here as I promised I would be. I wished that there was something else that I could do for her but I am happy that she will be going home soon. RAZ

I think it is time

It looks like the fight is almost over. Patsy had a terrible stroke last night and is not doing very well.

I have contacted her old hospice nurse and the company that she was with. Denise came over immediately and we have started her on some pain meds and relaxers. She is unable to eat and we have decided not to put in a feeding tube. Her quality of life would not be worth trying to save her. Patsy is resting well and I am sure there is no pain now.

While I know there is always room for a miracle, I think she has used up all her tickets. I called Carol today and she ran Patsy and when she called me back, she said things didn't good.

I have called the funeral home and have them on stand by if and when she decides to go home.

Just to let everyone know before hand, if Patsy passes, we are going to have her cremated in Nampa and then we are going to pick a date and have a good old fashion wake. Patsy always wished that people would celebrate her life and not her death. She wanted for her friends and family to be happy and have fun while celebrating her passing. Keep reading the Blog and I will let everyone know when and where that will be.

This is a sad day for me and I really don't know how I will make it with out Patsy in my life. The Lord blessed me with a very special lady and I will miss her.

At 12:30 this morning, Patsy appears to have suffered a stoke. The left side of her body was numb and has only come back a little. I am up with her but she is not back yet.

here is an update

Well I really should not do a post tonight because I have been feeling a little down today. It all started yesterday when I found out that Kari won't be able to come and help with patsy until August. I was on a roll getting some things done on the RV and now it will slow me down a bit.

And then for some reason, I really got upset with the fact that I couldn't go on a date and have a hug from my sweetie. Or even a simple I love you would have been nice. I really miss that side of our relationship some times.

But, the day got better. The physical therapist came by and we got Patsy up and had her trying to support herself on her feet. She did the best she has done so far. We was able to re-certify her for more and that made me very happy. Also, when Patsy is in her rocking chair and her feet are on the floor, I am behind her rocking her. If I do that for a minute or so, she will continue to do it on her own when I stop. That is good news to know that her brain is firing a bit and making her legs work. You would not believe the muscle tone that she still has.

Probably the best news of the week is that we took Patsy to the nursing home on Monday for a bath and a weigh. Patsy has gained a whole 5 more pounds.HOLLY TACOBELLARAMA!!!!!!!! That doesn't seem like much but it goes to the hard work that Kari and I have been doing to give her every chance we can. She is looking better and the only problem is that I can feel every extra pound when I have to lift her. My goal is to get her to 120 and then get her to maintain that weight for now. 7 pounds to go. I think the weight is helping with her muscle mass.

Well, I just gave Patsy a yogurt and now it time to get her ready for bed. I hope tomorrow is a better day, I have a tech meeting in Boise tomorrow night and I really need and want to go. I have 16.00 in the bank but the first is only a week or so away so I think I am going to go.

Thanks for your support and prayers for Patsy. The lord has a plan and I am sure he will tell me someday what that plan is but until then, lets continue the journey together, RAZ

This is a crappy story!!!

What a great day. Some days I just want to throw in the towel and then there are days like today.

Patsy is doing great and she is here with us more then she has been for a long time. If she could talk, it would really be a miracle. I have been so blessed and to see her improving a bit is just one more blessing. Her bank account got some help and i was able to by here some wipes and things that she needs. We buy a product called "Thick It" to thicken the liquids we give her. We go through quite a bit of it when we have it. The water and juices go down better and there is less chance of aspirating her. Also, I have to buy her suppositories to help her go to the bathroom. Those are just a few items that don't fit the budget we have so the extra help is a lifesaver to us.

The next part of this email is where some of you say "why did he tell that story?" So this might be a good spot to turn your computer off.

As you all know, for almost a year now, Patsy hasn't been able to poop by herself. Every two or three days, I have to go in and dig her out. I think that is where some men would say "Time to put her in a Nursing home. I call it True Love.

Once I determine that she has a load in her cavity, I give her a suppository and in about three or four hours, things have moved down to where I can help her. She just doesn't have control or the strength to do it on her own. Well, night before last, I gave her a suppository at about 10:00 at night. When I came in to move her at 2:00, I checked her and decided that I would change her and clean her out so that she could sleep better.

I undid the diaper and rolled her on her side and was just getting ready to go do my chores when all of a sudden I saw her stomach muscles contracting and she started pushing to do it her self.

HOLLY CRAP!!!!!! (HEHEHE)

I COULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT WAS HAPPENING

Now I know how dumb that sounds to be so happening that the love of my life was able to do such a task. But I can tell you that I had a hard time getting back to bed because I was so wound up. The physical therapist has been working to strengthen her trunk muscles and I think she was as happy as I was when i related the story to her.

See, it doesn't take much to make me happy.

Enough of this crap for now, hehe. Thanks for being there. I really need you guys and Patsy needs your continued Prayers and support. RAZ

the good and the bad

The first part of this email is really good. I have not seen Patsy doing this good for a long time. It has been almost impossible to get her to loosen her arms enough to get them around me making lifting rather difficult at times. Two days in a row I have been able to get her arms around me and even got them in a position to call it a hug. Also her alert level has been really doing much better. Carol has her on something and I believe it is really working because of her progress.

What is even more interesting is that when I say hi to her she is mouthing the words back to me. I have been working on her to give more definite head nods to yes and no answers and she is doing much better.

But the best thing that has happened is that I have been trying to get her too make sounds, any sounds or grunts. I noticed that when I would give her a kiss and tell her that I love her, she would moan a bit so tonight I told her that I wanted her to make a sound. When I kissed her, she moaned and I asked her to do it again and I put my ear so that I could listen and I told her to make the noise.

HOLLY SWEET MUSIC TO MY EARS!!!!!!! I was so happy that I (that's right, I shed a small tear). Good days are just around the corner.

So how could I possibly be sad with all the good news?????? August 6th I am leaving to go do a week with the Ride Idaho group. This will be the first year that we have not worked the event together. I have made arrangements to leave Patsy with my daughter and kari will still go over and work her hours but do it at Christy house. If there was any two people that I would want to leave her with, they are the ones. But I am not sure how I will get by with out her for a week and I will not be able to contact her or them a good part of the trip.

What if something happens to her and I am not there. I would never forgive myself. And I am also asking myself if the reason I am not taking her is because I am being selfish and just don't want to work that hard. And what if she really wants to go and is just not able to tell me??

And to make me really screwed up, the 6th is our 40th anniversary. She may not know or she may. What a way to celebrate that event by leaving her. It is still three weeks away and I already miss her. I even thought about not going but I love to do the event and I know if she could tell me to go, she would, with or with out her if she was unable to go.

So, I will probably change my mind about a dozen times between now and then. If she gets worse, I won't take the chance. If she gets any better, I will want her to go. If she says she wants to go and it is a definite, I will take her and do the hard work.

Any advice from the caravan group??????????????????? RAZ

The Love that they Share

So as Dad mentioned I got a box of Genealogy from him so I can continue doing the work Mom started. I got home and started to unload the car and I looked in a box. I found this picture right on top of the stack. I call Dad to tell him I think he needed to have it back and I read him what was on the back. I will admit, it made more than just him cry. It says
"Dear Lynn,
Well, here we are all "growed up" Wow!! what a scary situation to be in. The years have gone fast-almost too fast to even comprehend.
My life has been so much fuller these past few months. You've added a lot to that empty spot found in every single girl's heart. You've filled it like no one else ever could and I want to thank you for it.
From here, the future looks bright and rewarding!! Let's keep in the right direction and we can make anything and everything work. (Especially if God is on our side) As the song goes, "Id like to make it with you." I love you, Pat"

how is she doing????

So how is Patsy doing???? I am not sure. She is still here and that is a blessing by itself. She is eating pretty good but we have to feed her with a syringe and we also give her water by the same method. We do it that way so that we can get more in her in a shorter period.

For those that have not seen her in a while, and there are some that do not come around to see her, she is doing some things that are kind of interesting. When sitting in her chair, the therapist sits her forward and she is now able to hold her self up with very little help.. When she is laying on her back and we have to change her, she tries to help a little where in the past, she was just like a log.

I still have to help her have a bowel movement every two or three days and she is still not able to talk. That makes me sad because I have so much to tell her and it would really be nice to have her acknowledge some things.

I wished she was doing a little better because I need to find some work. In the beginning of her illness, a lot of friends and mostly family, helped with a little money and we survived okay. Now things have slowed way down and i am finding it hard to get by, We did do a camping trip last month and that was needed for both of us. She really loves the mountains and she had a great time.

I am going to drive truck and haul onions and beets for two months starting about sept. If I can make it until then, we should be able to budget that extra money over the winter and get by okay.

But Patsy is holding on and I am going to fulfill my promise to never put her in a nursing home. I think I have been through enough that I can physically and mentally handle what ever comes. I think with my Heavenly Fathers help, and with the help that kari is giving us, and of course with your continued love and support and your prayers, we are going to make it. Patsy continues to be the love of my life and I can not even think about life with out her.

Oh, My daughter made me cry the other day. I gave her a couple of boxes of genealogy and she found a picture of Patsy (it was her graduation picture) and on the back was a love note from her that I have not heard or seen for 40 years. Wow, that was a tough day for me. She was going to post it on here but I guess she forgot. \Okay, that is enough for now. See you all in the funny papers, RAZ

HOLLY FIRECRACKER!!!!! Chad and Marty carried Patsy outside so that she could watch the fireworks with the group. I think she had a great time. Of course she would jump at the loud noises and then she would smile a bit. She has had a couple of good days and the physical therapist was here today and she had Patsy standing a little bit. She believes Patsy is continuing to improve. Time will tell. I will continue to be here for her. Thanks for riding along, but I need to feed Patsy some ice cream. RAZ

Stanley

So as Dad mentioned last weekend was Field Day for Ham radio. It's a world wide event to see how many contacts you can make in 24 hours. We had a lot of fun. While yes we did miss some family events this weekend but we know that they understand because of how much Mom loves being out doors and she Loves going to Field day. It wasn't that long ago that she was on the radio trying to make contacts herself. I really think she enjoys camping so much now days because she doesn't have to do the cooking. I'm still trying to figure out how I ended up filling in for that job. We were up in Stanley and we camped up on this ridge that over looked the Valley with the beautiful Saw Tooth mountains in the background. What a breath taking view! Mom had a really great weekend. She did well on the drive up and fabulous on Friday. Saturday she had a few bumps that she was working through but by bedtime she seemed to be doing fine. Sunday morning we broke camp and were already to head home but not before we got this picture. We had a hard time getting her to smile at first but since she wouldn't say "cheese" for the camera I asked her if she would at least fart for the camera she thought that was pretty funny so we were able to snap this picture.

We're trying to decide where the next pictures will come from but we're thinking Lost Lake up by New Meadows So stayed tuned.

I miss my gal

I really miss my girl!!!!! Oh, Patsy is still here but I sure miss the gal that I have had by my side by so many years. 40 years in about a month and Patsy has always been there to talk to, camp with, work and play with, and most of all, just a companion to share my life with. I am not complaining but just wishing things were better.

We went camping over the weekend and she had a really good day and then she had a not so good day. All in all, it was a lot of fun and I believe that it is something that she really enjoys. We had Chad and Carey with us and the kids. It was great fun.

Since we have been home, Patsy has had a couple of great days. I went over to Carols on Tues and she worked on Patsy through me and I can't explain it but, She is doing okay.

While I was gone, someone brought over a loaf of cinnamon bread and it was delicious. I think it was Val and if that is right, thanks Val. And if I am wrong, thanks to whoever it was. Lucille always brings me bread and cookies but Thereasa said it was someone else. Patsy has so many good friends and i get to eat all the food that they bring her HEHE I think they all feel sorry for me because they know that I can't cook. Patsy is waiting for dinner so I guess that i will wrap it up for now. Thanks for being there, RAZ

We are going to try the camping trip again!!!

Looks like it is going to be another beautiful day. Patsy is doing pretty good. She has been sleeping a little more then I like to see her but the heat might be a factor. We haven't weighed her for a couple of weeks but I am confident that she is doing ok. My back says she is. I went over to help Chad and Carey with a little concrete project and took her with me. She got to see the grandkids and hold the baby.

If she doesn't have a set back between now and thursday, we are going to Stanley for the weekend to do a Ham radio activity called Field Day. We will be with Chad and Carey and several other good friends. I think it will be a good time. Getting there and back is the biggest problem. I am sure that I will have to stop somewhere along the way and do a pit stop with Patsy. That is kinda hard. In my truck, I have a console between the seats and I am hoping that I can roll her on her side on the console and change her and then roll her back. I have not tried it yet so it might be interesting. Carey and I changed her in her wheel chair the last time we went camping. I lifted her up and she did the changing. But, Carey will not be along for the ride until later.

I have been working on running new power source to the RV so that I will have enough power to run the air conditioning with out the generator. I forgot how back breaking digging a trench by hand is in order to put the line in. I got it done yesterday and the wire pulled through the conduit. Now I just need to hook the wire to the panel box and a little bit of wiring to the RV and I should be ready to go. I have to get it done or it will be to hot for Patsy in the RV. Lots to do so I better get with it. RAZ

Cry me a River!!!!!

I don't even know why I am writing this but here goes____ I need to find a stop crying pill!!!!!

I think I have always been a little on the tender feeling side of life but this is getting ridiculous.

Patsy has a set back I CRY

Patsy gets a little better I CRY

I see a performance of a special musical number I CRY

My daughter makes me a little birthday cake Yup I CRY

Today, a very special friend called and said he helped with the Bank Account again I CRY

I burnt a piece of toast this morning I CRY

Anthony Weiner resigned from the House of Representatives I Jumped for joy HeHeHE

I am not sure why but I think I need to go kick someones fanny or yell at someone to try to get it out of my system. In one way, I wished everyone could experience just a little of what I have this last year so that everyone would know how special life is and the people around us are.

Just some thoughts, RAZ

I told you she was beautiful!!!!

Bad, good, lousy. Who the heck knows!!!!!

It has been a terrible week and then a good week and then a terrible day. Here is the story.

Monday was my birthday and a pretty good day until bout 8:30 at night when patsy decided she was going to have a seizure. I spent 20 minutes trying to bring her back but she just looked at the wall like I wasn't even in the room. Concerned that she might do as she did last time and have a big body spasm, I gave her one of the pills. Kari came over and we put Patsy to bed. She did pretty good after that but I was up most of the night to make sure that she held on. Tuesday was a pretty much a sleep day because of the drugs and she indicted some pain so I gave her some Norcos to help her out. Wed was a better day and I had a meeting in Boise so I use a gas card the Don gave me and put gas in the car and went to Boise. I decided to cancel the camping trip for this weekend because I wasn't sure if Patsy was back. Today started out great. Patsy is doing much better and I believe she is 95% back to where she was. I love her so much that it is hard for me to watch her when she is going through these episodes. But, I love it when she smiles at me and follows that with a good kiss. Then I know that she is back.

The day was really going great until I went to go buy her some groceries. OOOPPPPPPSSSS!!!!

What the heck did I do with her Food Stamp card. I don't know!!! I had to leave the groceries and come home. I have looked everywhere with no luck. So I had to cancel the card and order another. 6 to 10n days. It is going to be a little rough going but we will make it. i will go later and get some milk and I will make some bread. Sometimes I get so frustrated with my self. I wished Patsy was back to help me. Days like this makes me want to start this bus and drive it off a cliff somewhere but Patsy would kick my rear end for giving up.

She is sitting in the chair by me and I wished you could see her. She is so special and anyone that has ever met her knows what I am talking about. She tried to reach up and grab my had a minute ago. That was pretty cool. So, thanks for listening to my feeling sorry for myself and start the truck and let's keep rolling down the highway. RAZ

Crappp!!!!!!!!

I better take a minute and let everyone know what has been happening. Last night after months and months of good things, Patsy decided to have a seizure. It was not a big one and I game her some stuff to hold it in check so that it wouldn't become one. Kari came over and helped me get her to bed and she has been resting every since. The medicine I gave her knocks her for a day or two and I wasn't real surprised when she slept most of the day. She did wake up a couple of times and I felt pretty good about what I was seeing.

She looked like she was in pain today and so we gave her a pain pill. That helped her but it also kept her down. Looking at her tonight I may have to give her another tonight.

Carol says she has a spot on her C7 in her back which I think is where she was having problems before. Not sure what we are going to do about it.

So we keep going and we do what we need to do. My life is sure interesting. I didn't get much sleep last night and I thinkk I was grumpy today.

Chad and Carey are going camping thursday and we were going to go along. Not sure what to do now. If she gets back on track and they don't go to far, we may load up and go. The bed in the camper is as good as the one here is not better so we will see. The journey continues and sometimes I wished I could see the end of the road. We will get there eventually. RAZ

Who is that mystery woman in my bed!!!!!!

I slept with a woman last night. First time since before November of last year. HOLY WHATCHATHINKING!!!!!! I slept with patsy in our bed. She has been sleeping in the front of the RV and for a long time I slept in the recliner here by her bed. Then about a month ago I started sleeping in the bedroom and just getting up every two hours to move Patsy to a different position. Well, yesterday I cleaned the back room and moved Patsy to the bedroom last night. It was okay but I got less sleep then when I got up every two hours to move her. If she snored, I woke up!!!! If she moved, I woke up!!! If she made any kind of noise, I woke up!!!! But, it was still nice to put my arm around her and hold her.

The reason I made the move to the back is because I am trying to get the plumbing all done. It hasn't been to bad because I use the bathroom and shower in the kids house. We have been hauling water to do the dishes etc. But after a year of hauling water, I have decided to get everything hooked up. I have all the plumbing run but I need to hook it to the holding tank and the pump. And guess where that is??? Yup, under the bed where Patsy was sleeping. So, I have moved her. But, I ran out of money until the first so I will do what I can on other things. I need to mount the sink and put in the new counter tops. If the guy I do a little part time work for needs me this next week I might be able to do some sooner.

Patsy seems to be holding on. She is eating really good and drinking better then she was. We use a product called thickit and it makes the water easier for her to swallow with out getting in her lungs. She really seemed to have fun on our little camping trip. The kids are planning to go again on thursday to lost lake. She says she want to go and I have enough fuel to get us there and back. (I think)

So, life goes on and so do we. It appears that tonight is the night that I get to help Patsy go to the bathroom. Kari informed me of that as she was leaving. I'll get her for that!!!!!

Thanks for sharing our journey, RAZ

Well, we did it!!!! We went camping for three days and we really had a good time. The worst part of the trip was trying to blend her food so that I could feed her. I cooked some soup but then had to separate the broth from the chicken and noodles, etc. I then had to smash that with a fork and then added the broth back in so that I could feed it to her. Thanks to Carey I was able to find a battery powered blended that is rechargeable and next time things should be better. Also, it got a little warm on this campground because there is now shade so we won't go there again until next spring. I was able to figure out a way to get her in and out of the camper okay and when the kids showed up, Chad was a big help. If I can find enough gas money, we are going to Lost Lake in two weeks. I wished you could have seen here today when Kari asked her if she had fun. I really think she did and she wants to go again. I will take her.

If something is going to happen to her, I can't think of a better place then in the mountains that she loves so much. But, things seem to be getting better so I am ready to go again. Here are some pics.

We are heading for the hills

Patsy has always liked camping. She could tell many, many stories of times when she shared a campfire with a group of young girls as she took them on camp outs. Patsy loved it when the girls would thank her for taking her on a real pack in trip and taught them how to pack their own food and then cook it over a fire. Even laughed when she got caught running the girls underwear up the flagpole at girls camp as the fearless leader.

Add to those experiences the family trips we all took together and the memories we created. Some good, some bad!!!!!

But most important to me was the time that we have shared around a campfire. Looking up at the stars on a clear night with amazement. I would do anything to have a few of those days again. We almost did not get to go this weekend because of some catch up that I had to do because of the teeth work that I had done. But guess what???? Yep, today a card came in the mail with enough money to put some gas in the truck and tomorrow we are out of here for a couple of days. We are not going far, but we are going. Carey and Chad are coming and they can help me with Patsy. Every time I tell her we are going camping, her face lights up and you can tell that she is looking forward to it.

As I have said before, I don't know how to make things any better for her. I believe that the powers to be will make that decision. I just want to do everything that I can do to make her life the best it can be. I believe that means sitting around a camp fire once in a while so tomorrow we are going to give it a try. I can't tell you the work involved in taking her anywhere, especially camping. But if it gives her just one bit of enjoyment, it will be worth it.

One final note and then off to bed. For a long time now, Patsy's back side has been really a challenge. Because of her weight loss, her tail bone was like there was no meat on it at all and that is why it has been such a chore to keep the bedsores away which we have done with great success. But now, Patsy is getting fat again, LOL. Well, not really fat but she is putting so weight on and her butt is a good start. I have noticed lately that she is looking much better and that should help prevent future problems.

Speaking of butts, it is time I get mine headed for bed. Thanks for listening and riding along on our journey. I know with out a doubt that I am being blessed for taking care of a very special lady, and I know that you are being blessed for taking care of me. Someday I hope to pay it forward as they say. See ya when we get back and I will have some pics to share. RAZ

A Camping we will go!!!!!!!

Help!!!! I am taking Patsy on a camping trip this weekend. Sounds fun right???? Well, here is the plan. I am going to lift her out of bed and put her in the wheelchair. Then I am going to take her out to the truck and lift her into the truck. Then I am going to head for the hills. When I get there, I will unload her out of the truck and into the wheelchair. Now the work begins. HOLLY FASTFOOD RESTRUANT!!!! How do I puree food with out a blender. It is going to be interesting but she really wants to go so, we go. I will give a full report when we get back and maybe take some pics. RAZ

DOES HE HAVE TO TAKE A BATH RIGHT NOW????????

No pain tonight!!!!

I finally got Patsy enough pain pills to get her to sleep last night. She had a pretty nice day and Christy came over and gave us a hair cut. Kari gave her a bath today and the physical therapist came by and worked on her. I worked outside most of the day until Kari left for the day. I nice supper, a chance to hold the kitty, and a little tv and I think she is about ready for bed. No Pain tonight so far. She sure is a special gal. I think I will stick around for a bit longer. Bed time, RAZ

Well this is not good. Patsy is in a lot of pain. I can tell by looking at her face. But she can't tell me where she is hurting. My best guess is that the pain is in her back but she can't say yes or no. When I went through the possible spots like head, stomach, teeth, etc, the best facial agreement that I got was when i mentioned her back. I started with some ibuprofen but when that didn't work, I gave her a norco. I hope that works!!!!May be a long night.

A smile and a tear

yesterday we poured concrete for the addition to marty's home. the footings are done and we will try to get the stem wall done by next weekend. Anyway, Scott and Chad came to help and while they were here, Scott pocked his head in and said Hi to Mom. She gave him a smile and then he left. After he left, Kari noticed that Mom was tearing up a bit. Just think what she would have done if he had given her a hug???? I think she was glad to see him!!!!

Later in the day, I brought one of the baby kitty cats in to see her. HOLY SYLVESTER!!! She really like the kittens. I called carey on Skype to show her Mom reaching for the Kitty. Both hads trying. It was sure cute. I will bring one in again today and maybe a pic.

The last time we weighed her (last week) she had not gained any weight. We had started feeding her the meals that they deliver. They are like a tv dinner and they deliver once a month. They give her one meal per day. But, kari and I got to looking and they are mostly low fat or carb dinners designed for heavy people I assume. So, Kari and I are back to feeding her the peanut butter milkshakes and high calorie treats. It will be interesting to see the results the next time. We won't go monday but will try a week from now. Out goal is to get her back to 120 pounds and then take a break and see how my back does with the lifting.

That is all for now. Gotta go get some work done. RAZ

OOOPPPPPSSSS!!!!!! What happened?????

This morning wasn't the best that we have had. Patsy acted like she was having trouble breathing and I wasn't real sure what to do to help her. I propped her up and tried everything I new. I even physically opened her mouth and held it open so as to try to get the air flowing better. I called Kari and she came over to help. By the time she got here, Patsy had started doing better. She listened to her lungs and heard the noises that I was hearing only they was much worse before and they were not in her lungs. kari left to go to an eye appointment and we started the day. Patsy ate and drank really well all day and i just put her back on her bed and she seems to be doing fine. Maybe a little quieter then I like, but doing okay. I want to make sure that she is doing okay tonight so I think it may be a night in the chair again. maybe she just wants to keep me on my toes. The journey continues. RAZ

Fun in the sun!!!

We had fun today!!!! I was helping Marty build the footings for the new addition to his house and we brought Patsy out and put her in the wheelchair and let her watch. She indicated that she wanted to go out and I think she was really enjoying it. When I get the money, I am going to buy a hammock and set it out on the deck by my RV and kari and i are going to take her outside and when she wants to lay down, we will put her on the hammock. When she wants to sit up, we will put her in the wheelchair. The fresh air will do her good I believe.

Tomorrow we are going to do the bath day again and of course we will weigh her. I pulled a muscle in my shoulder a bit so I hope she doesn't gain to much weight. HEHE

Okay, enough for now, I will let you know how the day goes tomorrow. RAZ

All I want for Christmas is my new front teeth!!!!!!

Patsy might not need a speech therapist but I sure do. I got my new upper teeth and I am having some problems adjusting as they said i would. It is getting better but I still can not talk like I want to and for you that know me, I love to talk.

Another problem is that it is a lot different in the kissing department!!!!!!!! And for those who know me, I LIKE TO KISS!!!!!!!!!!!! It is taking a little getting used to but I will continue to practice. Anybody want to help?????????????

Kari and my Grand Daughter both made peanut butter cookies for me when I had my teeth pulled. The problem was that I couldn't eat them. Hanna, if you read this, I can now!!!!!!!

Thanks to those that have helped, I have been able to pay most of the dental bill between what I have sold and your help. I have an appointment on Monday to get the bottom partial and the rest of the money is due. $200. I am trying to sell a radio tonight and then I will be a little closer. One thing I know for sure, it will be there because I have been blessed so much this last year.

Now back to Patsy. I have decided not to take her tomorrow because it is two hard to feed and change her in the car and I will be to long. I have decided to leave her with Kari. She does a really good job taking care of Patsy and i couldn't be happier that she has been assigned to us.

The speech therapist said that she was not improving enough for her to get re-certified for another month. Well, she is wrong!!!!! Patsy is really trying to talk to me and she is making sounds now when she tries to talk. You know me, I will show them all that she will talk again.

Kari was really happy when she moved her to the chair the other day, Patsy was putting a lot of weight on her legs. The physical therapist is also saying that she is doing much better. So, we continue the journey and hope you will all ride along, RAZ

More Baby Steps!!!!!

Just a quick report. The physical therapist came and worked on Patsy today and she was really happy. Patsy actually put weight on her legs for the longest amount of time that she has done that.

She also hand her sitting and holding herself up better then ever.

I may have lost a speech therapist but I will work on that and I will get her talking again, you can take that to the bank.

Another bit of good news, I have fed patsy the last three times and have not used the syringe. Last night a big bowl of ice cream and she finished it all with a spoon. We started today with biscuits and gravy and she really liked it. She ate that with a spoon as well.I realized they are just babysteps but they are "MY Baby" steps.

WHAT THE HECK WAS i THINKING!!!!!!!!!! I really wanted pat to gain some weight but now I am having second thoughts. Either I am getting older or it is amazing what an extra few pounds will do when you have to lift some one. I may have to put her on a diet sometime.

Ok, that is all for now, I have to go to Ontario and get some new chompers. I will be able to eat again and i am looking forward to that. RAZ

Will she go or not??????

Is it a set back????? The speech therapist was here again today and she only has two more visits and then she needs to re-certify for and 30 days. The problem is that she has to report some definite improvement and Patsy is not talking to her enough for her to say that she is improving. So, I guess that we will be saying goodbye to the speech therapist for now, in fact I did. Patsy talks with her eyes and motions and I guess that is what we have for now.

Tonight Patsy looked like she was in pain and I asked her and she indicated that she has a headache. I have given her some Ibuprofen and I hope that helps her. I wished she could talk to me, it would make things a lot easier to help her.

I think that is the hardest problem for me. It is one thing to do all the things that i need to do to take care of her but not being able to communicate what she wants or needs and trying to guess those things is the hardest part. And it is also a little rough not having her say thanks for the things I do. So my thanks is having her look at me and give me that great smile and a sweet kiss. Those that come and see her know what I am talking about with her smile.

Sat is a ham Radio event. We will be helping the Federation for the Blind Cycle for Independence bicycle ride and patsy has always been with me. Will she be with me again this year????? Here is the good and the bad as I have always done with you all. The good is that I think she would benefit from some fresh air and some different scenery. However, I will have to figure out how to feed her without the benefits of a kitchen. And I know I will have to stop somewhere along the way and lift her out of the front seat and put her on the floor in the back so as to be able to change her. And then move her back to the front seat. Is it possible???? Can Raz do it???? What would you all do???? Is anyone making any bets????? We will see, but for now, thanks for riding along on our journey. RAZ

Another good day!!!

Looks like the site is back up so Let me do a post. Patsy is doing really good. keep in mind that when I say good, I mean she is getting a little bit better day by day. The physical therapist says she is doing great and has had her sitting up and trying to stand a bit.

I think the best part for now is that she is gaining weight again. I contribute that to the increase in calorie intake and the fact that kari is helping take care of her and is doing a great job. When we weighed her on Monday, She had gained 4 pounds and I would bet that she has gained some since then. We still feed her with a syringe some of the time in an effort to keep the food in her. But I think as we get some weight back on her, we will also get some strength back. That is my hope.

I have been doing pretty good since having all my top teeth pulled. I have an appointment on monday to start getting my new teeth. I have had some financial help or it would not have happened. My sis in seattle, Scott and Kurt, Dad, the church, and Most of all my daughter in Alaska. Plus, there are some of you who contribute to Patsy's account and that has helped big time.

I have said it before but I have been truly blessed with great family and friends.

So the last bill I have to pay is on Monday and that bill is $800.00. I was able to sell an RV fridge for $500.00 and Scott gave me $100.00. Dad helped me with the last $200.00 and sure I am sure that is going to cost me big time. (hehe). So by next week, I should be able to say Mississippi with out spitting all over myself. Ok, Gotta go feed my sweetie, By for now, RAZ

kitty Kitty!!!!

I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.

Hide the ice cream!!!!!

HOLLY COOKIE MONSTER!!!!

It really doesn't take much to make me happy but today, well it was the best. Kari and i took Patsy in to the nursing home for a bath. For the first time in a long time, Patsy has gained some weight.

4 POUNDS !!!!! THERE IS NOTHING THAT COULD MAKE ME HAPPIER FOR NOW!!

Times are tough and Patsy is a challenge sometimes. There are days when I really wonder why we are going through this. But, to see her getting a little better and to see her gaining some weight, well it just doesn't get any better.

Ok, so here is a picture of the love of my life, She is a little tired because we just got her home from her bath. Doesn't she look great??????? Gotta run for now, RAZ

Cookies anyone??????

I see somebody changed my back ground so i better make a new post. Kari made me cookies the day I had dental surgery. I could not eat them and so I sent them home with her. CRAP!!! The more I think about that, the more I wonder if that wasn't her plan all along. She even made me go to the store to get a few things that I didn't have. I will keep an eye on her palns from now on. HEHEHE

I just finished giving Patsy a bowl of ice cream with chocolate syrup. She ate a bunch today and has had a pretty good day. Kari was here and i went and did a few chores. She gave her a nice bath and changed her bedding. The physical therapist showed up and worked on her. We got her up and I helped lock her knees and she put weight on her legs. We also had her setting up and holding herself without any help. All things look great. Yesterday the speech therapist hit her first goal. It was to get her to say a word, any word, with clarity. Patsy did and she was happy. Today, Patsy said "HI BABY" to me. It wasn't as clear as I would like but I knew what she was saying.

I used to talk about baby steps and then she would go backwards. I haven't seen a backwards for quite some time now. The baby steps are really small but they are still going forward.

As for me, I am recovering from my dental work. Two weeks from now I will get some knew ones and will be back on track. Katy has help with some money and the church helped as well. Kurt also helped with a little bit and that helped. I have everything paid for but the upper plate and that is $800.00. I have a couple of things to try to sell and if not, I can sell my little car. We will see what happens. I have learned to take care Of my sweety and it always works out so I have faith that it will work out again.

So our journey continues and the ride is getting easier I think. Thanks for being there, RAZ

oooouuuuuuccccchhhhhh

Well, i have fill better.I had ate teef puld today and it herts!!!I had some pane pills and I think I am ok. I want to et but I do not no wat so I think i wil take mor pills. Patsy is doing super. Kari gave her a bath and she does not stenk. I think I want to sleep so more so bye for now, RAZ

I scared!!!!

Patsy is doing great. I have fed her twice today and she is up in her chair watching tv while I do house work. Last night was a bit rough. She was doing the shaking and trembling thing that she has done in the past. She was trying to sleep but was just to jerky. I didn't know if she was in pain or not but i decided to give her one Excedrin pm. It worked. She went into a deeper sleep and was more relaxed. I have now started sleeping in my bed. That is something that I haven't done for a long time. I have been sleeping in the recliner next to Patsy. The bed felt pretty good last night. I still get up every couple of hours to turn patsy. I really would much rather be next to her but maybe the day will come when I can get her to the back of the rv a little easier.

HOLLY PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY!!!! Lucille brought me over a loaf of homemade bread and it is almost gone. Ham sandwiches on homemade bread taste pretty good. I traded a little ham for some turkey that Thereasa is cooking today. That should take care of the rest of the bread. Monday, Kari said she would bake some cookies.

HOLLY PEANUT BUTTER. I WON'T BE ABLE TO EAT THEM!!!!

Monday I am going in for oral surgery. I scared!!!!! Not looking forward to it. Kari will be here all day Monday to take care of patsy. Christy is coming Monday night to feed her and get her ready for bed. I hope by then that I am back on my feet good enough to take care of her that night. I wished Patsy was here to take care of me. I may not do another report for a couple of days unless things change. So keep riding along and keep up the prayers and support, RAZ

It is getting better!!!!!

The blessings just keep on coming. First of all, yesterday was the first day that that I have really been able to go goof off and not worry a bit. Kari seems to like working with Pat and I am pretty happy. We have not weighed her yet but I know she is finally gaining weight. Today the therapist was working her legs and she was actually resisting and pushing. She even had her sitting up and she was holding her self up almost by her self. That is the best she has been in a long long time. And to top it all off, she had her standing and putting weight on her legs.

Someday, she is going to talk to me and when she does, I might be in trouble. Anyway, I love to see her continuing to improve even if it is just babysteps. I am starting to do some of the projects that i need to do since Kari is here. Life is good so keep riding along on our journey, RAZ

What a weekend

Well fellow travelers, here is an update!!!! This has been the best day that I have had in over 6 months. Her is why. I just finished the Idaho State Convention the we have been working on and i have the behind me for another year. This year wasn't to bad because the people working on the Convention all did a great job.

I went over thursday night and started setting up. Friday the doors opened and the work began. Christy brought Patsy over to the hotel friday night to spend the rest of the weekend there. Saturday the girls (Carey and Christy) got her ready and brought her out to see the group. They seemed happy to see her and she seemed happy to see them. Back to her room and then the relatives and friends started showing up. She was really tired but they all commented on how great she looked.

Today we got up at 4:30 and watched some tv and at 6:00, she was still awake so I asked her if she wanted to go back out and help me get set up. She indictated that she would so I got her dressed and put her in her wheelchair and away we went. It was fun to see her up. She stayed awake all the way home and has been up most of the day. She is eating and swallowing good.

there are some other great things going on but the best news came today.

You have heard me talk about leaving patsy with Kari from time to time when I go to Boise in the evening. Kari and my daughter grew up together and she is as close to being part of the family as you can get without actually being in the family. Other then my own daughters, there is nobody that I trust Patsy with except her. Well, I learned today that she has been hired by the company that I now have taking care of Patsy. Tomorrow I will get her assigned to Patsy and that will be great!!!! I know Patsy loves her by the big smile whenever Kari come over. With her involved, I will be able to take full advantage of the 31 hours that the state has approved for her per week. I might even be able to find a part time job for one or two days a week to help out a bit. At the very least, I will be able to do work around here and on the bus without having to stop and feed and bathe her etc. I really feel like a lot has been taken off my shoulders.

Patsy is watching Shrek 2 on tv and the Donkey is making her laugh. I know she will talk to me again if she continues to improve. So we keep on going down the road. See ya soon , RAZ

Hotel Visit

Just wanted to remind everyone that we're over here in Boise this weekend. We are staying the Boise hotel And Conference center on Visit. It's the old Holiday in. we're in room number 115. Please stop in to see Mom anytime on Sat. If you come and we're not in the room give us a call we won't be far 550-7710 see you then.

A good day!!!!!!

I guess after days like today I need to really think about all the blessings that i have. I have good family, good friends, and pretty good health. I was lifting her today and I was thinking that I sure am glad that I am strong enough to do what I need to do.

Yesterday Patsy slept most of the day and had a fever and I was kind of worried about her. But when I woke up at 5:30 this morning, Patsy looked at me and gave me a smile. That started what ended up being a great day. So what is a good day???? A good day for me is when Patsy is alert and awake and tries to communicate with me. It is when a tell her a joke or say something funny and she laughs at me. It's when I give her a kiss and she doesn't want to stop. HOLLY MAKE OUT SESSION!!!!!!! A good day is when she tries to eat with a spoon and does even if it is only for a minute and then I have to finish with a syringe. A good day is when she tries to talk and only sounds come out but at least she tries!!!!! Tonight she was moving both arms at the same time and it was fun to see. It is 10:00 and she is still awake and I just got done feeding her a bowl of ice cream. I have my ups and downs with her but today was definitely and up day.

Some one put some money in her bank account and that really helps take the pressure off. I wished I knew who so that i could try to figure out away to give back a little some how.

Her therapist says she is definitely improving and that also makes me happy.

So, I will count our blessings, say a little prayer and thank my Heavenly Father for another day with this gal, and go to my chair for another nights sleep to get ready for what ever it is that I am suppose to do tomorrow. Thanks to all of you for riding along as the journey continues, RAZ

It has been a good week!!!

Did I ever tell you how much I love taking care of my sweety. I know, I often complain about having to cook and do dishes and laundry, but, all it takes is one of her smiles and things are great. She has been having a bunch of good days. The therapist says she is doing really good and the speech therapist started yesterday and so we will see how that does. She couldn't get her to move her mouth and was concerned that she couldn't. I said, Oh watch this!!!!! i bent over to give her a kiss and she puckered up a big one. I showed them how I was feeding her and they couldn't believe that I would put that much time and effort into feeding her. I suppose a feeding tube would be easier but I just can't do it until I think all options are off the table.

So, next week is a busy one for us. Monday is bath day and she gets weighed again. Thursday she goes to Christys while I head for the convention. Friday after noon they bring her over the hotel and she will stay Friday night and Saturday night there and I will bring her home Sunday. I'll net it will take her a week to recover. We will be in room 115 if you want to see her on Sat.

It is time to go feed her so I will say see ya later, RAZ

Why is she in trouble?????

I guess I had better take a minute and do an update. I was going to last night but I had a pain pill in me for a tooth problem that I am having and my daughter told me I had better not write anything. She told me to go to bed and stay off the computer.HEHE

Sunday the sun came out and I asked Patsy if she wanted to go for a drive. She said yes so I got her dressed and loaded her in the car and away we went. We went to Manns creek reservoir and on up the road past there a bit. On the way she fell asleep and we headed back to weiser. I wasn't ready to go home yet and I figured that if she was going to sleep she could do it in the car just as easily. I went to Ridleys and bought her a pudding pack and a water and we went to the park and i fed her. She went back to sleep and I went for a drive.

When I got her home she slept the rest of the day.

Monday was bath day at the nursing home and another chance to weigh her. I was a little disappointed that she hadn't gained any but was really happy that in three weeks since the last time we weighed her, no weight loss. Holly jump for joy!!!!

Today was a great day. Kathy Berquist came by and spent some time with her. She was really happy to see her. She tried talking to her several times. It was great!!!!! She was up most of the day and I think she had a pretty good day.

She is in trouble though. Have you ever watched funniest home videos where the baby did a little number while being changed???? Yep, she did!!!! And then when I told her what she did, she laughed at me. Oh well, such is a day in my life but the journey continues and I am glad your are riding along, RAZ

Baby steps again!!!!!

I fed Patsy some eggs for dinner and I did it with a fork. HOLY CHUCKARAMMA!!!!! What does it mean???? Last week Patsy checked out and I was surprised that she came back from where she was where ever that was. And where was she.

Here is a question for you. Where was she??? Why did she come back??? If you all could have seen what I saw, You would be asking that question also. I ask myself that if it was her time to go, why didn't she stay gone??? So. I guess my work is not done.

Monday I will find out if I have been successful with stopping the weight loss. We think I have been by looking at her face. She seems to be filling out a bit and everyone says she is looking good. Carey and Chad came over yesterday and brought the kids. I think she really enjoyed them. I have also noticed that she has started to try to talk more. That makes me happy. What all that means is that she is starting to use her brain more and open her mouth to try to talk and to eat. That is a good sign I think. So, we keep going. Thanks for being there, RAZ

I wish I could sleep!!!!

It is 3:30 am and I can't sleep. I got up to check on Patsy and turn her to her other side. She is sleeping soundly but she woke up when I turned her. She look at me and I told her hi!!! She smiled back. I gave her a kiss and she went back to sleep. I wish our sleeping arrangements were different because i would love to snuggle with her but I would rather that she didn't get any more bedsore so I will continue to sleep in the recliner next to her bed.

Christy came by today and stayed with her while I went for another dentist appointment. I have done about all I can afford to do so the rest will probably have to wait. I spent more then I really had but, Chad owes me a little and that should catch me up until the first. Christy gave Patsy a hair cut and she really looks great!!! She told me that she thought her face was filling out just a bit. That made my day. Funny how little things are more important now days.

Well, I have two meetings in Boise tomorrow night. I have people lined up to stay with my girl while I am gone. So I better get off of here and try to get some sleep. Until next time, continue the ride with us, Raz

yesterday she made me cry, today she made me laugh

So, I was up most of the night. I was afraid to go to sleep and then have her do her thing again. At 6:30 am I looked over at her and she was wide awake. I was glad to see that and I turned the tv on to something besides the music and went to sleep for another hour.

I fed her a bowl of hot cereal and she ate it all and she even let me feed her with a spoon. That was awesome. Kari came by to see her right after I fed her lunch and she was all smiles and tried to talk to her. She really likes her for some reason. I think Kari gives her treats or something when she stays with her. I made her a Progresso soup for lunch. I was trying to feed her with a syringe and she reached up and took it from me. I asked her "now what are you going to do with it?"

She shrugged her shoulders and that made me laugh!!!!

She has been awake all day. Christy came by and we checked her oxygen and blood pressure. Everything is right where it has been. I just don't understand but I will keep it up as long as she will. I read a report that says that 78% of all men that are put in a similar situation as I am, bail out and do something different. I don't think that makes me special, I just thing that makes them not as lucky as I am. I am so blessed to have this lady to take care of. So, the journey continues and I want to thank you for riding along, RAZ