Should I or shouldn't I, that is the question!!!!!!!

Ok, so my sis called me up tonight and asked if I want to drive the RV to lagoon. Say what????

I guess their family is going to lagoon for a couple of days and they are taking two rigs. A trailer and an rv if I understand it correctly. Lowell is going to drive something pulling the trailer and sis was going to drive the rv but she doesn't want to. She asked me if I wanted to go and drive the rv.

I have been trying to deal with patsy leaving me and sitting here alone in the rv has been hard so I thought it sounded like a good idea. I'm not sure how it looks to be going to lagoon just days after the love of my life has left this world.

So, the question I asked myself to make me feel better about the decision is " What would Patsy want me to do". She told me once that I was to be happy and I think she would say to go. We are leaving tomorrow and I will be home on thurs morning. I hope you all understand why I am going and not that I am glad to be free of her so that I can go have fun. people say who cares what they think but I do. Anyway, I may be off here for a day or two but I will give you an update on thur if not before. RAZ

bad day

Really having a bad day. No appetite, no desire to do anything but cry, mad at some certain people, and sad I can't hold Patsys hand. We are going to the movies tonight before Katy goes home tomorrow and I don't even want to do that now but I am going to. I hope the days get better, this isn't much fun.

Are you still with me????

I had some phone calls today from some great friends. It brightened my day a bit. My daughter Katy and I decided we needed to get away from the RV for a bit so we left for the afternoon. We went to Emmett first and saw some friends and relatives that she wanted to see before she goes home. We stopped by and saw Carol and thanked her for the care she helped with for patsy. Then it was off to Boise and we stopped at my dads for a bit. Then on to Nampa and a short visit to Chad and Careys to pick some items up and then home. It was really nice to get away for awhile. Tomorrow night I think we are going to go see a movie together and then Sunday she goes home.

I am not looking forward to being alone.

I have started thinking about things I need to get done so that I can try to stay busy but I know that it is going to get a bunch harder when she leaves.

So, Sept 3rd in Weiser at the park across from the church by the court house. 1:00 until 5:00 or until we get done. I have been contacted by several people and I believe it is going to be a great time. Levi's, or shorts or what ever is comfortable is great.

I want to keep this blog open until after the group gets together so check it and keep tabs of me and I will keep you updated. After we get together at the park, I plan on closing the blog. It was designed for people to follow Patsy and that will be not needed any longer.

However, There is still a journey of mine to deal with. I don't know what is in store for me but I am going to start updating on my blog.

Hey, I know that i am not the special person that patsy was but if you are interested in following a bit longer, meet me at my blog as soon as the get together in the park is over. There is a link on this blog site to mine and I will start an update there.

One final note. We are looking for some one that has the equipment to help us put the cassette on the computer so that we can burn some cds or maybe someone that can do the whole thing. Walmart has a cassette recorder for about $100.00 and If no one has a better, we will by that.

ok, we are going to try to sleep. See you tomorrow, RAZ

can I do one more post or two

Maybe you will allow me just a few more post before we park the rigs. First of all, I want to thank all of you for your support and prayers. I really needed them. You are all very special to me and there are a few of you that have really helped to mold my life.

I have learned so much this last year and I want to thank Patsy for the opportunity to serve her and to practice what true love is all about. If I had it to do over again, I would not change a single day. I believe she now knows how much I really love her and I can't wait to be with her again someday. I pray that she will take care of me and lead me to do the right things.

I have come under criticism the last few days for the decisions Patsy and I made as to how to handle her death. This whole ordeal was about doing what patsy wanted.

She did not want to be in a nursing home, I kept that promise.

She did not want to be on a feeding tube or a machine, I kept that promise.

She did not want to see her family go into debt paying for funeral expenses, a casket, a plot, flowers, etc. I will keep that promise.

She wanted to have all of us celebrate her life and remember her for who she really was and not have a funeral where everyone was sad and people were giving talks about her when they really didn't know her, I will keep that promise. Remember, as an organist, Patsy played for many a funeral and I think she knew why and what she wanted.

So, on Sept 3rd, we will get together and celebrate a very special gal and as of right now, you are all invited. There are some conditions____

1. You can not where a suit or dress.

2. You have to have the sadness behind you and be ready to smile and have fun

3.You will need to bring an appetite and a pot luck dish

4. most of all, you will have to agree with the decision that Patsy made to have us celebrate her life and not her death. If you have bad feelings about the decision that we have made to have her cremated and not have a standard funeral, then don't come and let the rest of us have a good time.

One thing we are going to do for you for coming. Patsy gave a organ recital in Caldwell and I have found the cassette tape of that. We are going to buy the equipment to transfer that music onto a CD and make it available to all that come and want one so an RSVP woulld be nice. There may be a small fee for that disk (2.00 or so) That was a very special night for her and also for all that came to hear her. I believe it will be special. This gathering will be one of great joy and fun memories.

Now for me. after almost 2 years of constant care, I have a big hole that is going to be tough to fill. Not to mention the love that I am going to miss. i hope and pray that I can get through this and I know with your help and that of my kids, I will find away to go forward.

One final note...My three girls were able and chose to be with Patsy till she took her last breath. I watched as they gathered the strength to watch her as Patsys poor body laying there dying. They knew where they needed to be and I gained more strength because of there love and loyalty.

They have been a big help to me and I will never forget them. I hope and pray that together we can get past this and I am sure that we will.

That is all for now. Maybe a few more post as I close this journey. I hope you don't find me to boring. Thanks for riding along, RAZ

The Ride Is Over

Mom has gone home. We are all happy that she don't have to suffer anymore.

K.T.

It is almost midnight

I guess I had better do an update. First about the kids. Our three girls are all here and that makes me very happy. They all went to lunch today and then they went to the storage shed to go through some of Patsys things. I wanted to give some things for katy to take home with her while she is here. Then they came back and took a break.

This evening, we went back to the storage and had about 5 boxes of pictures to go through. We gathered up the boxes and brought them to the rv. We moved in some chairs and the fun began. Before we were done, Thereasa, Scott and Denise, Chad and Jenni, Christy, Katy, Carey and the baby Cooper and yours truly sat around and had a good time with Patsy in the bed right in the middle of it all. We found some cool pics.

Mike and Cheri brought over a bucket of chicken and we made short work of that. They have done alot for me and if I needed something, I think I could count on them,

So, here is the status on Patsy. She looks really bad, She is getting so skinny and gaunt looking. One of the things you start looking for when some one is in Patsys condition is a symptom called modeling. That is a condition where the lack of blood and oxygen causes blotches that start on the legs and feet. Usually that is one of the last signs just before one passes. Patsy now has that showing up. Also her breathing is not good and her poor heart is racing. I believe that her time is very short. She hasn't had any food or water since last tuesday. It is almost midnight and the three girls are here with me. I believe carey and Katy will spend the night here and Christy is not far away if she leaves to go home.

As much as I am going to miss her. it is time for her to go home. I think I am glad my girls are here. I'll let you all know when the journey endsm RAZ

Well Pop's is tired and Carey wasn't out today so she doesn't really know how Mom is doing. So They said I had to update you tonight. Mom seems pretty much the same as yesterday. She is so skinny you can see every bone in her body. And she seems to be getting thinner by the minute. Her breathing is getting slower and every now and then she will stop breathing for like 20 seconds then start again. It's scarey I really have to remind myself that this is what we are waiting for. Not that we want her to die but it is almost unbearable to see her this way and we want her to go home and be able to get out of a bed. Dad is doing ok, I got him to eat breakfast lunch and dinner and he even took a nap. But even with all that he still looks awful. I wish there was more I could do for him. I am happy to be here talking with Dad and holding Mom's hand.

Dad will be back on here tomorrow.

Katy

I think the angels need a new GPS. Katy is here now and all the family has been here to say their goodbyes. She is very comfortable and seems to be resting. Her skin color is yellowish and her eyes are still none responsive. Patsy has gone without food or liquids for a week now. The last food she had was last tuesday evening. I am a little surprised that she is still hanging on. We worked so hard to get weight back on her and now it is all gone and then some. I can't hardly stand seeing her like this. All I can update you on right now is that I believe the time is soon. Just think, the Journey is almost over and a little rest will be nice. RAZ

Still here but not doing well

Not been a good day. I gave Patsy a Valium this morning and she did pretty good until this afternoon. Scott and Denise came by and so did Verlynn and Lowell. I had to give her some more then and she just hasn't settled down since then. Christy came by to spend some time and she gave me a break and worked on Patsy. When she changed her, there was a terrible amount of discharge and the smell was not good. We cleaned her up,gave her another Valium suppository and dressed her again and hoped she would settle down again. She also used some mouth wash and a little brush to freshen her breath.

Still having some problems, we checked her temp again and she was getting warm again. We gave her the Tylenol and I think she is doing better. Now the big issue is her breathing has become more difficult. I have not had to give her to much morphine accept the patch she is wearing that is good for three days at a time. It is looking like a long night ahead. Each day gets tougher for her and for me. I am going to stay here with her and love her every minute.

I tell these stories to let people know what it is really like to experience this part of life. I don't sugar coat it and some may not want to read the bad with the good.

Patsy is going home and it is going to be really hard for me. I try to stay pretty strong at least when people are here. One things that helps a bit I think is that Patsy has been up and down for a year and a half and we all have know that this day may come as we did what we could to prevent it. I still tell her how much I love her and how much i am going to miss her. I don't know if she hears me but I tell her anyway.

Don't miss an opportunity to love your spouse. We had a great relationship and I still wished I had let her know more often how much I love her.

Most of all, thanks for riding along on her journey. RAZ

yum Yum

Cierra made me some cookies the other day and they were delicious, Verlynn brought me some but they don't compare to the peanut butter ones she makes.

update

My sweeties body has become very lifeless. I decided to give her a sponge bath and changed her clothes. I cleaned her finger nails. It was the first time in a long time that she was this relaxed. I guess that makes me happy in between the tears. She has lost all the weight we worked so hard to get back on her. It makes me very sad!!

My sis and her husband came by for awhile. They must not want me to get skinny because they brought some food. I'll have to admit, it was nice. I have not felt like cooking anything or eating anything. But when the show up with a bucket of chicken, well lets just say I was hungrier then I thought. All three of my sises have been a big help. Thereasa has also been trying to keep me from not eating.

I am not sure what to do with the rest of my life but I know they will be there for me.

It is really hard to watch!!!!!!

We knew that is was only a matter of time before Patsy would have a fever because of the dehydration. Well, it is here. Patsy has a temp of 101. I have given here a Tylenol suppository to help bring it down and i have a cold washrag on her head to help. If she becomes to uncomfortable, I will have to increase the meds. I wished there was more I could do. The nurse said that the Angels were gathering and I pray they will hurry up. That is pretty selfish isn't it. Okay, I will try to be patience a bit longer. A day or two more and Patsy will be home. I hope she can watch over us. I know I am going to need it. RAZ

Today was really tough on me. Patsy is resting pretty good but I am not and being tired is not good when you are trying to hold on to your emotions. Carey came over for a bit and that was nice. Several people came by today and I enjoyed seeing them. The problem is we would get to talking about some of the things Patsy has done and then I would cry and I hate that. maybe some sleep tonight and a better day tomorrow. RAZ

I miss my gal

I sure miss my Baby. I was changing her today and her eyes were open a bit. I tried everything I could to look for something to give me hope. I wasn't successful. I am really struggling with myself for not doing a feeding tube. But I keep coming back to the promises I made Patsy after she was diagnosed and it makes me feel better about the decision.

So, I keep holding her hand and doing what is need to keep her comfortable. I have tried to go outside and do some things but I can't. I have walked in the kitchen several time to cook something but I can't. I always made it a practice to feed Patsy before I would eat. Habits are hard to break.

You all have helped us with your support and prayers. i really am going to miss her.

here is a pic she still looks beautiful to me!!!!!!

update time

Good news, bad news update!!!!

Patsy is resting really well and that makes me happy!!! Hospice is back on board and Denise is her nurse again and that makes me happy!!!!! Everything that I might need for patsy in these last few days, I will have. That makes me happy!!!

Kari worked for Care at home and is not part of the hospice and she doesn't get to come spend time with Patsy and that makes me sad!!!!! Who is going to wash my dishes!!!!!

But the biggest piece of bad news that I have received today is when the nurse today me that I should be prepared for the fact that Patsy could hang on for up to two weeks like this. Wow, I will be a basket case. They also told me some of the things that will be happening to her and that makes me sad!!!!!

Her vitals are doing okay but her mind is blown a circuit as the nurse calls it. So I prepare for what is to be and work to keep her comfortable. I am not sure how many more tears I can cry without eating. I seem to have lost my appetite. Thanks for riding along, RAZ

Probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I would do anything to be able to keep my sweetie here with me and to sit here by her and watch her is really rough. The situation is made even harder knowing that I am not feeding her and that our decision to not put a feeding tube in her will most certainly cause her to leave us.

I sure hope you all understand that I am not just taking the easy way out. If I thought for 1 minute that Patsy would want to live this way, I would do it right now. I have spent the last year taking care of Patsy and I wished I could do it the rest of my life. Those that have come by have all agreed with our decision and those that could come by and don't, I really don't care what you think.

So, she is resting very comfortably. For the first time in a year, she is very relaxed and I am sure there is no pain. Her eyes are closed and she has been like that since 4:00 yesterday. Prior to that her eyes were fixed and non-responsive. Now they are closed and her eyes are rolling back and forth. At midnight last night, I gave her a Valium suppository and there was several times I had to really check to see if she was still here.

I have had a lot of things going through my head since I have not been able to sleep much. Things like how am I going to pay my bills on the first because we will loose the benefits that we have been getting. What am I going to do for work now! I am going to have to give my van back to Fast track because I don't have a way to pay for it. I really messed up when I sold my little escort so that I could haul Patsy around and now I have a payment.CRAP!!!!

But for now, All that matters is that Patsy knows that I am here as I promised I would be. I wished that there was something else that I could do for her but I am happy that she will be going home soon. RAZ

I think it is time

It looks like the fight is almost over. Patsy had a terrible stroke last night and is not doing very well.

I have contacted her old hospice nurse and the company that she was with. Denise came over immediately and we have started her on some pain meds and relaxers. She is unable to eat and we have decided not to put in a feeding tube. Her quality of life would not be worth trying to save her. Patsy is resting well and I am sure there is no pain now.

While I know there is always room for a miracle, I think she has used up all her tickets. I called Carol today and she ran Patsy and when she called me back, she said things didn't good.

I have called the funeral home and have them on stand by if and when she decides to go home.

Just to let everyone know before hand, if Patsy passes, we are going to have her cremated in Nampa and then we are going to pick a date and have a good old fashion wake. Patsy always wished that people would celebrate her life and not her death. She wanted for her friends and family to be happy and have fun while celebrating her passing. Keep reading the Blog and I will let everyone know when and where that will be.

This is a sad day for me and I really don't know how I will make it with out Patsy in my life. The Lord blessed me with a very special lady and I will miss her.

At 12:30 this morning, Patsy appears to have suffered a stoke. The left side of her body was numb and has only come back a little. I am up with her but she is not back yet.

here is an update

Well I really should not do a post tonight because I have been feeling a little down today. It all started yesterday when I found out that Kari won't be able to come and help with patsy until August. I was on a roll getting some things done on the RV and now it will slow me down a bit.

And then for some reason, I really got upset with the fact that I couldn't go on a date and have a hug from my sweetie. Or even a simple I love you would have been nice. I really miss that side of our relationship some times.

But, the day got better. The physical therapist came by and we got Patsy up and had her trying to support herself on her feet. She did the best she has done so far. We was able to re-certify her for more and that made me very happy. Also, when Patsy is in her rocking chair and her feet are on the floor, I am behind her rocking her. If I do that for a minute or so, she will continue to do it on her own when I stop. That is good news to know that her brain is firing a bit and making her legs work. You would not believe the muscle tone that she still has.

Probably the best news of the week is that we took Patsy to the nursing home on Monday for a bath and a weigh. Patsy has gained a whole 5 more pounds.HOLLY TACOBELLARAMA!!!!!!!! That doesn't seem like much but it goes to the hard work that Kari and I have been doing to give her every chance we can. She is looking better and the only problem is that I can feel every extra pound when I have to lift her. My goal is to get her to 120 and then get her to maintain that weight for now. 7 pounds to go. I think the weight is helping with her muscle mass.

Well, I just gave Patsy a yogurt and now it time to get her ready for bed. I hope tomorrow is a better day, I have a tech meeting in Boise tomorrow night and I really need and want to go. I have 16.00 in the bank but the first is only a week or so away so I think I am going to go.

Thanks for your support and prayers for Patsy. The lord has a plan and I am sure he will tell me someday what that plan is but until then, lets continue the journey together, RAZ

This is a crappy story!!!

What a great day. Some days I just want to throw in the towel and then there are days like today.

Patsy is doing great and she is here with us more then she has been for a long time. If she could talk, it would really be a miracle. I have been so blessed and to see her improving a bit is just one more blessing. Her bank account got some help and i was able to by here some wipes and things that she needs. We buy a product called "Thick It" to thicken the liquids we give her. We go through quite a bit of it when we have it. The water and juices go down better and there is less chance of aspirating her. Also, I have to buy her suppositories to help her go to the bathroom. Those are just a few items that don't fit the budget we have so the extra help is a lifesaver to us.

The next part of this email is where some of you say "why did he tell that story?" So this might be a good spot to turn your computer off.

As you all know, for almost a year now, Patsy hasn't been able to poop by herself. Every two or three days, I have to go in and dig her out. I think that is where some men would say "Time to put her in a Nursing home. I call it True Love.

Once I determine that she has a load in her cavity, I give her a suppository and in about three or four hours, things have moved down to where I can help her. She just doesn't have control or the strength to do it on her own. Well, night before last, I gave her a suppository at about 10:00 at night. When I came in to move her at 2:00, I checked her and decided that I would change her and clean her out so that she could sleep better.

I undid the diaper and rolled her on her side and was just getting ready to go do my chores when all of a sudden I saw her stomach muscles contracting and she started pushing to do it her self.

HOLLY CRAP!!!!!! (HEHEHE)

I COULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT WAS HAPPENING

Now I know how dumb that sounds to be so happening that the love of my life was able to do such a task. But I can tell you that I had a hard time getting back to bed because I was so wound up. The physical therapist has been working to strengthen her trunk muscles and I think she was as happy as I was when i related the story to her.

See, it doesn't take much to make me happy.

Enough of this crap for now, hehe. Thanks for being there. I really need you guys and Patsy needs your continued Prayers and support. RAZ

the good and the bad

The first part of this email is really good. I have not seen Patsy doing this good for a long time. It has been almost impossible to get her to loosen her arms enough to get them around me making lifting rather difficult at times. Two days in a row I have been able to get her arms around me and even got them in a position to call it a hug. Also her alert level has been really doing much better. Carol has her on something and I believe it is really working because of her progress.

What is even more interesting is that when I say hi to her she is mouthing the words back to me. I have been working on her to give more definite head nods to yes and no answers and she is doing much better.

But the best thing that has happened is that I have been trying to get her too make sounds, any sounds or grunts. I noticed that when I would give her a kiss and tell her that I love her, she would moan a bit so tonight I told her that I wanted her to make a sound. When I kissed her, she moaned and I asked her to do it again and I put my ear so that I could listen and I told her to make the noise.

HOLLY SWEET MUSIC TO MY EARS!!!!!!! I was so happy that I (that's right, I shed a small tear). Good days are just around the corner.

So how could I possibly be sad with all the good news?????? August 6th I am leaving to go do a week with the Ride Idaho group. This will be the first year that we have not worked the event together. I have made arrangements to leave Patsy with my daughter and kari will still go over and work her hours but do it at Christy house. If there was any two people that I would want to leave her with, they are the ones. But I am not sure how I will get by with out her for a week and I will not be able to contact her or them a good part of the trip.

What if something happens to her and I am not there. I would never forgive myself. And I am also asking myself if the reason I am not taking her is because I am being selfish and just don't want to work that hard. And what if she really wants to go and is just not able to tell me??

And to make me really screwed up, the 6th is our 40th anniversary. She may not know or she may. What a way to celebrate that event by leaving her. It is still three weeks away and I already miss her. I even thought about not going but I love to do the event and I know if she could tell me to go, she would, with or with out her if she was unable to go.

So, I will probably change my mind about a dozen times between now and then. If she gets worse, I won't take the chance. If she gets any better, I will want her to go. If she says she wants to go and it is a definite, I will take her and do the hard work.

Any advice from the caravan group??????????????????? RAZ

The Love that they Share

So as Dad mentioned I got a box of Genealogy from him so I can continue doing the work Mom started. I got home and started to unload the car and I looked in a box. I found this picture right on top of the stack. I call Dad to tell him I think he needed to have it back and I read him what was on the back. I will admit, it made more than just him cry. It says
"Dear Lynn,
Well, here we are all "growed up" Wow!! what a scary situation to be in. The years have gone fast-almost too fast to even comprehend.
My life has been so much fuller these past few months. You've added a lot to that empty spot found in every single girl's heart. You've filled it like no one else ever could and I want to thank you for it.
From here, the future looks bright and rewarding!! Let's keep in the right direction and we can make anything and everything work. (Especially if God is on our side) As the song goes, "Id like to make it with you." I love you, Pat"

how is she doing????

So how is Patsy doing???? I am not sure. She is still here and that is a blessing by itself. She is eating pretty good but we have to feed her with a syringe and we also give her water by the same method. We do it that way so that we can get more in her in a shorter period.

For those that have not seen her in a while, and there are some that do not come around to see her, she is doing some things that are kind of interesting. When sitting in her chair, the therapist sits her forward and she is now able to hold her self up with very little help.. When she is laying on her back and we have to change her, she tries to help a little where in the past, she was just like a log.

I still have to help her have a bowel movement every two or three days and she is still not able to talk. That makes me sad because I have so much to tell her and it would really be nice to have her acknowledge some things.

I wished she was doing a little better because I need to find some work. In the beginning of her illness, a lot of friends and mostly family, helped with a little money and we survived okay. Now things have slowed way down and i am finding it hard to get by, We did do a camping trip last month and that was needed for both of us. She really loves the mountains and she had a great time.

I am going to drive truck and haul onions and beets for two months starting about sept. If I can make it until then, we should be able to budget that extra money over the winter and get by okay.

But Patsy is holding on and I am going to fulfill my promise to never put her in a nursing home. I think I have been through enough that I can physically and mentally handle what ever comes. I think with my Heavenly Fathers help, and with the help that kari is giving us, and of course with your continued love and support and your prayers, we are going to make it. Patsy continues to be the love of my life and I can not even think about life with out her.

Oh, My daughter made me cry the other day. I gave her a couple of boxes of genealogy and she found a picture of Patsy (it was her graduation picture) and on the back was a love note from her that I have not heard or seen for 40 years. Wow, that was a tough day for me. She was going to post it on here but I guess she forgot. \Okay, that is enough for now. See you all in the funny papers, RAZ

HOLLY FIRECRACKER!!!!! Chad and Marty carried Patsy outside so that she could watch the fireworks with the group. I think she had a great time. Of course she would jump at the loud noises and then she would smile a bit. She has had a couple of good days and the physical therapist was here today and she had Patsy standing a little bit. She believes Patsy is continuing to improve. Time will tell. I will continue to be here for her. Thanks for riding along, but I need to feed Patsy some ice cream. RAZ

Stanley

So as Dad mentioned last weekend was Field Day for Ham radio. It's a world wide event to see how many contacts you can make in 24 hours. We had a lot of fun. While yes we did miss some family events this weekend but we know that they understand because of how much Mom loves being out doors and she Loves going to Field day. It wasn't that long ago that she was on the radio trying to make contacts herself. I really think she enjoys camping so much now days because she doesn't have to do the cooking. I'm still trying to figure out how I ended up filling in for that job. We were up in Stanley and we camped up on this ridge that over looked the Valley with the beautiful Saw Tooth mountains in the background. What a breath taking view! Mom had a really great weekend. She did well on the drive up and fabulous on Friday. Saturday she had a few bumps that she was working through but by bedtime she seemed to be doing fine. Sunday morning we broke camp and were already to head home but not before we got this picture. We had a hard time getting her to smile at first but since she wouldn't say "cheese" for the camera I asked her if she would at least fart for the camera she thought that was pretty funny so we were able to snap this picture.

We're trying to decide where the next pictures will come from but we're thinking Lost Lake up by New Meadows So stayed tuned.